SCENE LIVING ROOM - MORNING

BRIAN PACES THE ROOM THINKING.

Brian puts his left HAND ON HIS HEAD.

What is going on with my life?

Yesterday started really badly. I should have just turned back when I had the chance. Three hours in that bloody traffic. Three mind numbing hours.

(PAUSE)

They made me redundant by e-mail. I still can't believe that shit. What is the World coming to?

I should have gone down the pub and drowned my sorrows like the rest of them. (PAUSE) Oh no. (BEAT) Not me? I stayed there until five. Too much of a slave to the system, that’s me. (PAUSE) Mr nine to five.(PAUSE) Mr by the book. (PAUSE) Mr nice guy. Mr Gullible more like. But I didn't mind. At least I had a nice home to go back to. So I thought.

She's had enough. She's had enough. Enough of what!? Go on tell me? (PAUSE) Me? It can't be me, I am hardly ever home! (PAUSE) Maybe that was the problem?

And what happened after that? I do not understand? Or remember? (PAUSE) Properly?

A one man orgy of madness? (PAUSE) Well maybe? Let's see. I remember ice cream. (BEAT) I remember diet cola. (BEAT) I remember dancing. (PAUSE) I remember trying to dance.

Come on think!? You can do it?!

Wonder Woman? What was she all about?

(PAUSE)

In my bed.

Where did she go? Was she real? Or did I imagine her? One thing is for sure. She was good. I think?

Did I really save the World with this? I remember pretending to. It seemed real at the time.

Don't be stupid. That was just a dream. Or something?

Maybe I was just delusional? Maybe I am ill. I had better call the doctor. To be on the safe side?

Sometimes it pays to be neurotic.

Stupid machines.

Yes. I think I need to see a doctor. If you could call back with an appointment. Thank you.

My name is Mr Brane. Brian Brane. Sorry. Thank you.

I am the emergency doctor. Please state your symptoms.

A sense of euphoria. Pronounced heartbeat. And some (PAUSE) delusions.

Delusions? Visual delusions?

Yes?

You are a rather poor example of humanity. You are not in very good shape. Are you?

Not particularly.

Ah.

Ah?

You appear to be suffering from some sort of non-specific pon-farr. It usually only occurs in Vulcan's. Do you have any Vulcan ancestry?

No. (PAUSE) Vulcan's are fictional characters aren't they?

Ears? Normal.

Ow!

Blood? Red. At least you are not a Vulcan. They can so tetchy. (PAUSE)

Do you practise any Vulcan rituals?

No!

You are a joke, aren't you?

No! Please remain calm. If you want the diagnosis in plain English. Then you have a form of delusional schizophrenia.

See.

(PAUSE)

How long have you had your symptoms?

Twenty four hours?

Then I prescribe R&R. (PAUSE) Rest and relaxation. Your brain has a neuroadrenaline imbalance. You have obviously been subjected to severe stress. Take the rest of the week off. Call me if the symptoms persist. Goodbye.

I am feeling a bit stressed out.

Then there you go.

I have been watching too much Star Trek.

Nearly three hundred people were made redundant at the [COMPUTER] company in [SOMEWHERE] yesterday. The company issued the following statement.

I think I lost them?

Why am I talking to you?(BEAT) Not that it matters.

This is strange. This is very strange.

If I did not know any better. I would think that I was in a Holographic simulation. Like the one's in Star Trek.

The question is. (BEAT) Am I imagining it (BEAT) or is it really happening? (PAUSE) Am I conscious (BEAT) or Am I asleep?

Maybe life itself is one big computer game? (PAUSE) And someone has put me in cheat mode?

No. (PAUSE) That really hurt?